Parents + Teens: The New Equation for Radical Youth Ministry

Parents + Teens: The New Equation for Radical Youth Ministry by Benny & Sheree Phillips Benny & Sheree Phillips are not members of New Life. Benny was the pastor of a church in northern Virginia that was influential in helping us understand the importance of keeping parents and children together. Many churches (without realizing it) actually create programs which divide the family, rather than bring the family together. The following article represents a philosophy of youth group ministry that we do not always follow at New Life. But the article does represent something that we believe very strongly: The church must bring parents and children together.

"Hi, Sarah," said Jeremy as the two walked out of the auditorium following Pastor Hall's sermon. "How's it goin'?" "Good, thanks," Sarah responded. "Hey, you comin' to the youth meeting Wednesday?" Jeremy asked. "I haven't seen you there in awhile." "Well, uh, no.

I won't be there tonight, Jeremy," she said. "My parents are sitting us kids down tonight to go over next year's school schedule and curriculum so we can get a head start on the fall." "Oh, that's right. You're home schooled. Well, maybe next time," he suggested.

"Well, maybe. See ya!" Sarah called as they left the building. What Sarah didn't tell Jeremy is that it's unlikely her parents will allow her to attend the next youth meeting. Or any youth meetings in the near future, for that matter. She remembered the night last year when they had communicated some changes they'd been noticing in Sarah.

Changes they weren't happy with. Even though she enjoyed being involved at the youth group, she sort of understood her parents' concerns. "Honey, we're just not sure you're ready to handle the pressures you're facing with some of the other teens in the youth ministry," Dad had said. "Just because we're in the same church with people doesn't mean we all share the same values and standards." The above scenario represents a growing number of the home-school families we meet across the country.

Many parents are finding that their teen's involvement in the church's youth ministry is having negative results. To protect the investment that's been made into their teen's life, they feel they must withdraw them from regular involvement with the youth ministry. Teens have their own concerns. Home schooling already means less time with friends. The church youth group, then, becomes the primary source of building relationships.

Many home schooled teens eagerly look forward to youth meetings and outings. Yet, unless you're in a church with a strong home schooling emphasis and lots of like-minded families with teens, you may find yourself in awkward situations that test your loyalty to your parents' standards. Party Organizer As a young pastor, I began in youth ministry in the early 70s. I had more than my share of pizza parties, touch football games and lock-ins. I led kids whose primary interest was to make friends especially those of the opposite sex.

There were also those whose goal was to know and worship God. Some families saw me as the "party organizer" whose job was to keep their spiritually apathetic teen interested in the church. Others felt my responsibility was to keep their teen in touch with God through meetings, teaching, and retreats. In my inexperience and ignorance, I didn't have a clue as to what I was supposed to do. I believed it was my place as a youth pastor to deal with the tough issues with those in my youth group.

You know, the ones parents weren't "cool enough" to relate to. The teens came to us on a regular basis with questions about dating, music, areas of temptation, and problems they were having with their parents. Hey, my very title of "Youth Pastor" made my job description clear: I was to pastor the youth of the church. And pastors counsel, advise, instruct, encourage, and generally care for people, right? Over the years of involvement with youth, we came to see the danger of being overly involved in the teens' lives. By cultivating a relationship where we were their primary source of counsel and instruction, we were unknowingly usurping the most biblical channel of discipleship in their lives:  their parents.

And parents knew this. Some parents appreciated the fact that their teen quickly responded to counsel we gave them after years of hearing the same advice from their own mouths. But others didn't. They resented our influence and felt threatened by our relationship with their young person. Sure, their resentment was wrong and many of them hadn't made an adequate investment in earlier years to insure a strong, healthy relationship with their teen.

But their desire to remain the primary source of influence in their child's life was right and biblical. Our Philosophy of Youth Ministry Now we have three teens of our own (with four others coming quickly behind). In the nearly 25 years (ouch!) since we started in youth ministry as newlyweds who were nineteen ourselves, we've learned a few things. The two most valuable lessons we've learned are first, that parents, not youth pastors, are God's anointed vessels of training, discipling and befriending teens. George Barna tells us, "The research is quite clear: the more involved the family is in religious activities done together, the more likely the teenager is to engage in religious activity, to expect to continue those religious pursuits upon leaving home, and to perceive religion to be significant and additive to life" (Generation Next: What You Need to Know about Today's Youth, Victor Books: Chicago, 1995, p.

95). And second, just because a child's age ends in "teen" doesn't mean he or she is ready to handle consistent involvement in the church's youth ministry. This has made quite a difference in the approach to youth ministry in our church. As a church that is committed to "declaring God's power to the next generation" (Ps 71:18), our primary goal in ministry to youth is to create in them a hunger to know and aggressively follow Jesus Christ. We see the greatest need of youth today (listen up, teens) as being that of discipleship and preparation for the future, not entertainment.

Our three-fold objective is: To do our part to insure that all teens in our church family have been authentically converted (no "second generation" teens assuming upon a sweet, childhood prayer or their parents' relationship with the Lord); To provide an environment for discipleship and training, beginning with parents; and To emphasize servanthood as the primary way for teens to be actively involved in the church. We're attempting with God's grace and help to accomplish these goals by: offering regular teaching and training for parents with teens; advising parents to carefully assess their teen's readiness to maturely navigate peer dependence and varying standards of families in the church before involving him or her in the youth ministry; encouraging parents to attend all youth activities or meetings; and instructing our families to view Mom and Dad as the teen's first source of counsel, relationship, and training. Though one of our pastors oversees the youth ministry, he is not called the youth "pastor" and does not perceive himself in this way. Fathers and mothers are viewed as being responsible for and anointed to address the pastoral needs of their children. The pastors are available and eager to provide help when needed, but we see our primary role as that of equipping and encouraging parents to assume this God-given role in their children's lives.

Whether homeschooling or not, this is our biblical mandate as parents (Deuteronomy 6:7; 4:9; 11:19; 31:13; Ps 78:5; Proverbs 1:8-10; 22:6; 19:18; 1 Timothy 3:4). A parents + teens youth group will also treat youth as members of the church of today and not think of them as the church of tomorrow. We must call teens to use their developing gifts in the Body. We must enable our youth to assist in the evangelistic mandate of the church. We must create meaningful multi-generational service projects and mission trips.

Parents Can't Pass the Buck A "parent + teen" approach to youth ministry doesn't mean that no one else should have a position of influence in our teens' lives. We as a family are blessed to have several other adults (married and single) and a number of godly teens who are a valuable source of influence in our teens' lives. (Positive "peer pressure" can be a powerful motivator!) We also regularly solicit the counsel and observations of others regarding areas of lack in our teens, ourselves as parents, or the way in which we and our teens relate to one another. We're unwilling, however, to abdicate our biblical mandate to give ourselves to the teaching and training of our children all the way through their teen years. When we boil it all down, the biblical fact of the matter is this: the only people who will stand before God to give an account for the spiritual condition of our children is we as their parents.

Period. What About MY Youth Group? For this reason it's important that parents along with their teens learn to evaluate their church's youth ministry by the fruit it is producing. In Matthew 7 Jesus talks about trees and their fruits. He basically says that we can know if something is good and helpful by evaluating the fruit that comes from it. He's specifically talking about false prophets, but we can learn an important principle about other issues.

Simply put, good trees (activities, relationships, hobbies, etc.) produce good fruit (growth in Christlike character, biblical thinking and living, maturity). "A good tree," He says, "cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit" (verse 18). Wise fruit inspectors look carefully at the fruit that a particular tree produces. By looking into our lives our hearts, actions and attitudes we can get a good idea of whether a particular activity, interest, or relationship is producing good or bad fruit.

As parents and teens, we must make very careful inspections. But it's important to limit your inspection to your own fruit. Some teens do fine with certain things that cause others to stumble and compromise. A teen's ability or inability to wisely and biblically deal with peer conformity, differing standards, and temptation may have little to do with the youth ministry and more to do with his or her Christian maturity. What are some of the pros and cons of church youth group involvement? Let's take a look.

The Pros of Youth Group Involvement Biblical fellowship where friendship is seen as a means to an end, i.e. conformity to Jesus Christ. Biblical teaching relevant to this season of life that challenges, equips and motivates teens to repent of sin, give their lives away to others, and grow in passion for God and His church. The building of meaningful brother/sister friendships with the same and opposite sex.

Growth in character that comes from wisely and courageously responding to differing standards, values, and convictions within a peer group setting. Fun and memory-making experiences of learning, laughing, and serving with peers during the teen years. Opportunities to serve the church and the community in practical ways as a group. The Cons of Youth Group Involvement Peer dependence rooted in an unbiblical striving for acceptance and significance. Faulty foundations in relationships leading to jealousies, gossip, cliques, and rejection of anyone who doesn't "fit in.

" Unbiblical ways of relating to the opposite sex leading to flirting, emotion-based relationships, compromise, and a "who likes who" environment of manipulation and competition. Weakening character due to unwillingness or inability to deal with conflicting standards of other teens leading to disrespect of parents and overall minimizing of the centrality of family relationships. Serve-me mentality that looks to the youth ministry and its leader for entertainment and spiritual instruction that will keep me/my teen involved in the church due to his or her spiritual apathy or disinterest. Asking the Tough Questions By inspecting the fruit that is being produced in a particular teen's life due to his or her involvement in youth ministry, parents and teens can then ask the hard questions concerning his or her involvement: Am I willing to stand alone if necessary against differing standards in the group? Can I be involved in the youth ministry without resenting my responsibility to serve and build deeper relationships with my family? Do I want to grow in my ability to resist peer conformity? Will my involvement in youth group compromise or help my relationship with the Lord? Fruit inspections are hard work. But honest and humble assessment doesn't just expose the negative.

It can lead to a healthier harvest in the future. Remember, your attitude should be one of self-assessment. Don't fall into the trap of looking for the speck in your brother's eye (your pastor, youth leader, or other teens in the group) until you first remove the log from your own. Not one of us can blame anyone for our wrong or sinful responses, even if we have legitimate issues to deal with. A teen who gives in to peer conformity or disrespectful attitudes toward his or her parents can't blame this on the youth group.

This is a personal issue of the heart of that particular teen that must be biblically addressed. Humbly Offering Solutions There can be a place for you to honestly and humbly share your concerns and offer suggestions concerning your church's youth ministry. As a pastor, I greatly value the assessment and constructive input of those in our church. The youth ministry is an area in which I especially appreciate the counsel of others because my goal is to support families, not to undermine them. The following are 12 ways to communicate your concerns to your leaders: Be sensitive to the many things going on in your pastor/youth leader's life and ministry when you approach him to talk.

Set up an undistracted time rather than initiating a conversation when he's distracted by other responsibilities. Pray! Don't go with your own agenda but ask God for His. Offer any helpful material that he can read/listen to in preparation for your conversation versus going in "cold." ("This article/book expresses some of what's on my heart and will maximize your time if you'd be able to read it before I come.") Communicate your respect and appreciation to your pastor or youth leader first.

If you don't feel this, pray some more and receive God's heart for him first. Even though you may have differences, the work and sacrifice involved in overseeing a youth ministry is worthy of gratitude. Remember not to shift blame for problems you're having. Some teens may be doing great in the same environment you/your teen is struggling in. Effective criticism is constructive, not destructive.

Share observations, not accusations. ("I/We have some concerns about the effect of certain aspects of the youth ministry on our family" versus "The youth ministry here is a mess.") Attitudes come through loudly even if words are carefully chosen. Be honest. Your primary concern is your family and the effects of the youth group on yourself/ your teen.

Don't include others in your concerns (i.e., "Some of us are feeling" or "We parents are concerned about") Speak for yourself/your teen only and encourage any others to do the same. Be prepared to admit any misunderstandings or miscommunication on your part. ("I'm sorry, I didn't realize that" or "I obviously haven't had the full picture on this.

") Humbly offer your personal help or suggestions. Church leaders are more likely to receive constructive criticism when the person is also willing to serve him in making changes. Trust God. You may nor may not see evidence that desired changes will be made. Be patient.

Give your pastor/youth leader time to consider your suggestions. If they decide against implementing any changes, you can then prayerfully consider your response (continuing to pray for your leaders, withdrawing your teen from the youth ministry, becoming more involved as a parent/couple, being led by God to another church). Does it Work? The question is: does a "parent + teen" approach work? It depends on what your goals are. It's certainly not the way to build the largest youth ministry in town. Pizza and football and a hip youth pastor will work better for that purpose.

And some parents and teens aren't willing to pay this kind of price. We've had families who have come to our church to check out the youth ministry and left to look elsewhere after only a meeting or two. ("Mom, you're kidding. The parents come to the youth meetings? Forget it!") Others think it's a great approach, but are still content to drop their teen off for the meetings, happy that other adults are there. Sadly, they're missing the point.

"Other" adults are fine. But Dad and Mom are missing out on opportunities for rich and meaningful times with their teens. Hearing what they're being taught. Getting to know their friends. Worshipping together.

Praying for one another. Observing their teens in interaction with their peers. Loving the Process Many homeschoolers assume the church youth ministry is the place for wholesome friendships and spiritual growth. For many this is true. For many others it's not.

The difference is this: Is your youth ministry supportive of the family structure and the parent/teen relationship in particular? And do you as a teen have the maturity and character to resist the natural pull toward peer conformity that happens in the best of youth groups? We're still working out the kinks in our church. But we're loving the process. While writing this article, we asked our older teens, ages 16 and 18, if they ever get tired of us hanging out with them a lot. We were blessed with their response. Over the years they've learned to actually enjoy us.

Amazing! And we're especially blessed when they confide in us about their concerns, temptations, questions, and dreams. Because we really know one another, we don't get "surprised" by struggles they're facing and they're quick to forgive us when we fail or disappoint them. What's this have to do with youth ministry? A lot. We're not competing with anyone for our children's loyalty. They're not confused over who's responsible for their training and counsel.

We know their friends and have them in our home on a regular basis (after making sure we've got close to enough food in the house!). And what's been built is a foundation of mutual respect and friendship. For now, the fruit inspections are going very well. Benny and Sheree Phillips are the authors of  The High Calling of Motherhood and Walking with the Wise, a study guide for teens and parents. Our church youth group does not always follow the philosophy stated above for youth ministry.

However, at New Life we make many attempts to involve parents in the life of their children. Our worship time on Sunday morning is always parents and children together. Parents are encouraged to attend youth group outings (and this is not viewed as "strange"). Families are encouraged to do ministry jointly - such as serving as a family at the homeless shelter. We also encourage families to take missions trips together and to do family evangelism.

In our schedule you will find family camping trips, canoe trips, and service projects. Older teens are encouraged to be part of the men's and women's retreats (with appropriate "break out times" for adults to discuss deeper issues). This family approach has been confirmed by a lot of research that has appeared in the last few years. Over two decades of study confirms that parents are important influencers of whether their teens become sexually active. The closer teens are to their parents, the more likely they are to remain sexually abstinent ("Families Matter: A Research Synthesis of Family Influences on Adolescent Pregnancy," April 1988).

Kids who learn about drugs from their parents are 36% less likely to smoke marijuana, 50% less likely to use inhalants, 56% less likely to use cocaine, 65% less likely to use LSD (www.theantidrug.com). Josh McDowell's surveys in books like "Right from Wrong" demonstrate over and over again that the kids that stay in the faith, remain sexually pure, or stay away from drugs are the kids that have strong relationships with parents. Many youth groups are structured to entertain, so that teens will be interested in attending and then they can be won to Christ.

George Barna recently concluded a major study on teens and evangelism (see Barna Press Release 37). Among other things his research challenges the widely-held belief that the teenage years are prime years for evangelistic activity. Barna's study suggests: refocusing teen ministries from an evangelistic thrust to a discipleship emphasis; better preparing parents for family-based evangelism. Another study which suggests a different approach to helping youth was conducted by the mainline Presbyterian church. They spent one million dollars trying to discover what factors influenced children to remain in the faith of their parents as they grew to adulthood.

The conclusion? The one deciding factor was NOT participation in the church youth group or attendance in Sunday School. The deciding factor was whether or not the child's family had held family devotions! (See the chapter on "Family Devotion" in the book by Dorthy Bass called "Practicing Our Faith.") At the very least this suggests that parents must live their faith in the presence of their teens. Parents must be involved in the lives of their teens. Nothing else will be as effective in changing the hearts of our children.

"He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers; or else I will come and strike the land with a curse" Malachi 4:6. To go to our Teen Page click here. For a great book on uniting the church and home click here.