Forgiving Correctly

FORGIVING CORRECTLY What is Biblical forgiveness? How do I forgive another person who has hurt me? This is a working handout. That is, it is not a handout for simply reading. This teaching contains a mixture of questions and comments which will help you to understand what forgiveness is and how to forgive correctly. You will see that some of the questions are followed by blank lines. We encourage you to print this teaching and write down the answers to these questions as you read through the handout.

Some of the questions are personal. Others are Bible study related. If you are in doubt about the answers to the Bible questions, you will find comments to questions 4 through 11 at the end of this teaching. 1. What is the deepest hurt(s) you have experienced in life? By whom? _______________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________ 2.

In your own words briefly describe and define the process of forgiveness. When you forgive someone, what do you do? What is involved in forgiving a person? _______________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________ 3. When we fail to forgive someone, we are left with unresolved hurt and anger. Our lack of forgiveness, hurts us more than it hurts the other person. This emotional ache has consequences in our lives and leads to unhealthy coping mechanisms and Band-Aid ways of trying to cover the hurt and anger.

Unresolved Hurt Internal Anger Unresolved hurt and anger can lead to many types of coping mechanisms and defenses such as: exaggerating or bragging a critical or negative attitude rationalizing and excuse making overzealous religious activity excessive shyness over compensation perfectionism trouble with authority attention getting superficial relationships compulsive work or busyness sarcasm repressed feelings and indifference outbursts of anger lack of communication or silent treatment using humor as a cover to keep people from getting too close nervous habits like over-eating smoking, drinking, etc. running away from problems or pressure There is often a connection between physical, mental, and emotional problems and a lack of forgiveness . What coping or defense mechanisms do you exhibit that could be a result of unresolved hurt or anger? _______________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________ 4. Read Ephesians 4:26. Is anger a valid emotion for a Christian to have according to this verse? _______________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________ 5.

What are we commanded NOT to do with our anger according to Ephesians 4:26-27? _______________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________ 6. What does Ephesians 4:31 and Colossians 3:8 say we ARE to do with our anger? _______________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________ 7. According to Ephesians 4:32 and Colossians 3:12-13, what are we called to do to resolve our hurts and anger? What is our standard or example to follow? _______________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________ 8. How did God forgive us as outlined in Colossians 2:13-14? _______________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________ 9. What happens to our offenses when we are forgiven by God as described in Psalm 103:12, Isaiah 43:25, and Jeremiah 31:34? _______________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________ 10.

Matthew 18:21-35 is a parable Jesus taught demonstrating at least four important aspects of forgiveness. Read Matthew 18:21-35 and see if you can identify the four things that Jesus taught about forgiveness: _______________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________ 11. Deceptions regarding forgiveness. All of the following are wrong ways of thinking about forgiveness. All of these are common errors: Forgiveness is justifying, "understanding", or explaining away someone's rejecting behavior.

The passage of time or the process of forgetting leads to forgiveness. Forgiving is forgetting. Forgiveness is asking God to forgive them. Forgiving someone who has hurt me means I must go to them and ask for their forgiveness. Forgiveness is denying that I have really been hurt, pretending that the hurt was really not that big of a thing.

Forgiveness means I act as if it never happened. It is saying, "Let's just forget about it." In short, forgiveness is NONE of the above items. Some questions for you to consider: Does forgiveness mean the broken relationship must be restored and I must be reconciled to the offender? _________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________ Is forgiveness going to the person and telling them you forgive them? _________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________ Is taking them a cake, being "nice," or "turning the other cheek" forgiving? _________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________ 12. What is actually involved in forgiving someone? After I recognize that I've been totally forgiven by God and the debt I owe God has been canceled ("Father, I thank you that all my sins past, present, and future were paid for by the death of Your Son Jesus Christ on the cross and they will never be held against me in the future.

"), then I forgive in the same way God has forgiven me. Forgiving someone else involves five key items: (1) I acknowledge the hurt (i.e., charge the debt). (2) I acknowledge how it made me feel.

(i.e., charge the emotional debt). (3) I release the person from the debt they owe me. (Saying in effect, "You never have to make it up to me or pay me back.

" "You are now free." "You are forgiven." "I release you.") (4) I accept the person unconditionally, just as they are, and release them from the responsibility to make me feel loved and accepted. I look to Christ to meet my need for security and significance.

(5) I am willing to be hurt again if God desires or allows it. 13. Helpful Demonstrations. Sometimes it is helpful to use an empty chair to forgive someone. Picture the person in the chair and charge them with the debt.

Tell the person (verbally if possible) what they did to hurt you and how that made you feel. Then tell them they are released from the debt they owe you, are loved and accepted, and are no longer responsible to meet your needs. If the hurts are listed on a piece of paper, it might be useful to tear up the paper upon completion of this exercise to demonstrate that the debt has been canceled. 14. Walking in forgiveness.

What if this person hurts me again? (I forgive and keep the account at zero.) What if the person never changes? (That is God's problem and theirs.) What if I forgive and my feelings don't change? (That is God's problem, not yours.) Who might I need to forgive? (Mate, family members, friends, etc.) Often the hardest person to forgive is yourself.

Don't forget to put yourself in the chair and receive God's forgiveness for yourself. One Final Word: A common deception is to think just because I know how to forgive someone, it is the same thing as actually doing it. Faith requires active obedience.   Ten reasons why I don't forgive! 1. Pride--Forgiveness makes me look weak.

2. I don't want to give up my excuse-making system (my coping mechanisms). When I don't forgive, I am in control. I remain able to manipulate others. 3.

I may get hurt again. 4. If I ignore it, the problem will go away. 5. Revenge--the other person has to pay for it.

They need to learn a lesson. 6. Failure to understand God's love and forgiveness for me. 7. Failure to receive forgiveness myself -- sometimes called "forgiving yourself.

" Before I can truly forgive others, I must forgive myself. 8. It seems too easy and unfair. It seems I'm overlooking or condoning their sin. 9.

I am waiting for the person to come to me first. 10. I am waiting for a "feeling."   What do you think of the following quote taken from the book, None of These Diseases, by S. I.

McMillen, M.D.? "The moment I start hating a man, I become his slave. I can't enjoy my work any more because he even controls my thoughts. My resentments produce too many stress hormones in my body, and I become fatigued after only a few hours of work.

The work I formerly enjoyed is now drudgery. Even vacations cease to give me pleasure . . . the man I hate hounds me wherever I go.

I can't escape his tyrannical grasp on my mind . . ." Remember: Forgiveness is for YOUR benefit. The other person may not change their behavior.

It is up to God to change the other person. It is our responsibility to be set free from the pressure and weight of an unforgiving attitude. Don't be surprised if Satan tries to remind you of the hurts and memories of the past after you have forgiven them. He will tempt you to doubt the sincerity of your forgiveness decision. Remember, forgiveness is an act of the will.

It is a choice you make with or without the feelings. After the initial decision of forgiveness comes the faith walk of forgiveness. Standing by your decision to forgive this person and applying additional forgiveness allows you to replace your hurt and defeated memories with faith victories. You are now free to keep any offense accounts at zero. Additional offenses can be forgiven as they occur without linking them to past offenses which have already been forgiven.

    Answers and Comments to Biblical Questions . . . 4. Yes.

Getting in touch with our feeling of anger is important if we are to get it resolved. Also, anger is often an indication of a "right" I may need to surrender to the Lord. 5. Go to bed on it . .

. leave it unresolved . . . let it lead to sin.

6. Put it away . . . cast it off.

7. Walk in love and kindness, and forgive those who have hurt us . . . to forgive others just as Christ forgave us.

8. Totally . . . completely .

. . He canceled the debt against us. 9. He removes them.

He remembers them no more. When it says, "God remembers our sins no more," it doesn't mean He has amnesia. It means He does not remind us of our sins any more. It is never brought to His or our attention again. It is finished and forgotten.

It is a dead and buried issue. The debt is no longer remembered. 10. (1) Forgiveness is a gift we do not deserve. (2) Forgiveness is erasing or foregoing what is due, canceling the debt owed, and giving up all claims.

(3) Once received from God, it is to be passed on to others. (4) Unforgiveness results in personal torment. 11. No, what if the other party is dead or cannot be located? What if the offender does not want to be reconciled? Reconciliation and forgiveness are two different things. Able to reconcile or not, I still must forgive the person who hurt me.

Forgiveness is for me. No, going to a person is different than forgiving them. In some instances you may be led by God to go to the person and tell them you have forgiven them. In other cases this would cause more problems and stir up bitterness and resentment in the other person. No.

This is step two . . . a product.