Fighting for Your Marriage Class 3

Fighting for Your Marriage Session 3 Contents: Danger Signs in a Marriage Ground Rules for Handling Conflict Danger Signs in a Marriage Researchers at the University of Denver have identified 4 traits that will destroy a marriage relationship. They have achieved an 95% success rate in predicting if a marriage will succeed or fail based on these four criteria! They call them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in marriage. They are: Negative Interpretations Negative interpretations occur when one partner consistently believes that the motives of the other are more negative than is really the case. Their perception is worse than reality. 1 Corinthians 13:7 tells us that we are to "believe all things, hope all things".

Escalation Escalation occurs when partners respond back and forth negatively to each other, continually "upping the ante." It starts as an argument over laundry and ends with a threat to divorce. Proverbs 29:11 says, "A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control." Contempt Either body language (rolling eyes) or sarcasm. Painful put-downs.

Name calling. Expressions of disrespect. Ephesians 4:29 says, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building up." Withdrawal and Avoidance One partner shows an unwillingness to get into or stay with important discussions. It can be as obvious as getting up and leaving the room or as subtle as "turning off" during an argument.

Matthew 5:23-24. You can find out more about these negative patterns by taking part in a Christian Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (Christian PREP). PREP is based on many years of marital research, and is designed to teach couples the kind of skills and attitudes that are associated with happy and stable marriages. PREP publishes Fighting for Your Marriage books and tapes. The Christian version of the book is called A Lasting Promise.

The research that identifies such negative patterns mirrors a truth clearly expressed in Scripture — there are very clear negative relational patterns that will surely destroy any relationship (e.g. Proverbs 12:18; 15:1; 17:14; 29:22; Matthew 5:22; 7:1-5; Galatians 5:15; Ephesians 4:29; James 1:26; 4:1-3). 1 Peter 3:8-10 Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.

[10] "Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech." We can hardly imagine a more relevant promise for marriage than verse 10 above. As we make clear above and in all the materials based on PREP, the best predictors of which couples will have successful marriages and which will fail have the most to do with how couples handle conflict. There are other factors that can also be used to predict, but not with the same accuracy. The good news is this: all couples can learn to communicate and handle problems and disagreements better.

Learning these skills can make a huge difference. Research shows that couples can learn communication skills that overcome the dangers signs we have described. And that they can retain them for years, significantly reducing the odds of break up, divorce, and distress. If you are married, you probably need no convincing that learning to effectively deal with issues is important. If you are engaged, you may be thinking "we won't need that stuff, we get along great.

" But marriage is risky, and issues get bigger over time. The specific techniques in PREP can help you keep your marriage vibrant and growing over many years to come. Ground Rules for Handling Conflict Romans 12:18. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. There are six powerful Ground Rules that we recommend you agree to use.

If you really apply these principles in your life, you will be taking control of the conflicts in your marriage rather than allowing the conflicts to take control of you. Either one can bring up an issue at any time, but the "listener" can say "this is not a good time." If the listener does not want to talk at that time, he or she takes responsibility for setting up a time to talk in the near future (usually within 24 to 48 hours). When conflict is escalating, we will call a "time out" and either try again using Speaker/Listener Technique OR agree to talk later, using the Speaker/Listener Technique. Prov.

29:11. A fool gives full vent to anger, but the wise quietly holds it back. (NRSV) When we are having trouble communicating, we will engage the Speaker/Listen Technique. James 1:19..

.take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry... When using the Speaker/Listener Technique, we will completely separate problem discussion from problem solution.

Prov. 18:13. He who answers before listening---that is his folly and his shame. We will have weekly couple meetings. We will make time for the great things of marriage: fun, friendship, and sensuality.

We will agree to protect these times from conflict and the need to deal with issues. These Ground Rules can have a powerful effect on your marriage if you agree to use them together. You can modify and adapt them to the way your relationship works best. The key is that you have agreements for how you will handle the more difficult and emotional issues that come your way in life. This is crucial.

Too many couples go through life feeling as if they are walking in a minefield of marital conflict. They don't know when the next explosion will come, but they know they can't let their guard down because it will come. You do not have to be at the mercy of issues coming up at any moment. You can work together to deal with issues on your terms, and at the times you choose.