Courtship: A Love Story

Courtship: A Love Story by Jennie Ethell Chancey To tell the story of our courtship, I must begin at the very start--when I was a baby. Yes, I said 'baby.' As soon as I was born, my parents began praying for my future mate. Daily through all my growing-up years they prayed for his childhood, his salvation, his growth in Christ. Little did they know that a family 500 miles away was also praying for their son's future wife! When I turned thirteen, my mother started me praying for my husband.

Not that he'd be rich or handsome (though I must confess I sneaked in a few petitions that he wouldn't look like a gorilla!), but that he would know Christ, desire to serve him, and wait for me. At the same time, Mom told me about a letter she had written to herself when she was thirteen. She sealed it to be opened when she turned eighteen and kept it in a box for herself. That letter contained a list of the qualities she wanted in a husband--the things she would wait for. Inspired, I wrote a similar list and a letter and sealed them up, but I marked the envelope for opening on my twenty-first birthday.

The letter lay safe in a little keepsake trunk, nearly forgotten through my high school years. In the meantime, I prayed when I remembered to for the one I would marry. But my parents continued to pray for him every day. I didn't date anyone when I was in high school, and it wasn't just because I was home schooled or because my parents believed in "courtship." They hadn't really thought about it at that point.

But they raised three kids who didn't date by choice all the same. It just didn't make sense to us as we watched friends get involved with someone, get hurt, and break up--over and over and over again. Our youth group at church was full of kids who fell in and out of relationships without managing to hold on to many friends. Mom and Dad encouraged us instead to be friends with anyone we could, whether male or female. They reminded us to wait on the Lord's timing and be content where He had us.

That doesn't mean we were never lonely. It doesn't mean I never wished someone would ask me out. I'm human! God places the desire in our hearts for companionship. It takes work to focus that desire on our families and friends without falling into the "dating" trap. I know it would be especially difficult for a person who isn't a part of a close-knit, loving family.

No matter how difficult it is, though, I believe it is crucial to commit our desires and needs to God. God doesn't want His people to be miserable or frustrated! He wants to do His will through them. Aside from salvation, committing to a life partner is the next most important decision anyone makes. It is not something to be done lightly or without a lot of prayer. And young adults need to support each other in this, not tear each other down.

I am convinced that the high divorce rate in this nation comes in large part from the dating culture we've built. (By "dating," I mean serial relationships, not just stopping for a cup of coffee with a member of the opposite sex.) Dating creates the mindset that I can get out of a relationship as soon as it doesn't meet my needs, my desires, my wants, and my agenda. We try people on like they were clothing with a money-back guarantee! This does not honor the other person or God, who created each individual in His image. It is selfish and assumes we will always have things the way we want them when we want them.

So we come around to courtship. Let me say right off that I don't see courtship as an alternative to dating. In my opinion, dating should be out of the question. "Courtship" (or "family-centered relating" or whatever you like to call it) is something entirely different. It is not the "biblical" way to meet the opposite sex or go out.

That would miss the point entirely. Courtship first is a completely new mindset--one that erases the old "get a date or be a geek" mentality. This takes some doing if you've been brought up to view dating as the normal way to find a mate. It begins with the decision to commit each day to God and His calling on my life. It comes with the knowledge that God has already chosen the person I am to marry--if I am to marry.

It is the realization that I can never be content married until I am content single. If I live in despair because I don't have a "significant other," then I have not learned to lean on God. And do note that the word "courtship" gets thrown around a lot these days by parents and others eager to dump dating, but it's not the name that's important--it is the principle of the thing, whatever buzzword is used. But let me get back to the story. I went to college with my head in the clouds.

Because my parents had met at college, I was sure I would find my future mate there. I had promised Mom and Dad that if anyone asked me out, I would tell him he had to talk with my dad first. I had committed my college time to the Lord and was prepared to follow his leading. I had a lot of friends at school, both guys and gals. The guys treated me like a sister and protected me from any "creeps.

" After my freshman year, my brother joined me at the same college. He also had lots of friends, and we spent all the time together we could. My second year was fabulous, with even more friends than before. And, yes, there were a lot of neat guys at school that I liked, but I kept my promise to remain focused on God and not go looking around for "The One." By the time my junior year rolled around, I was beginning to wonder where this guy could be! I had never been asked out by any of the nice guys, and, even though I didn't want to date, I began to wonder if there was something wrong with me.

Lots of my friends got asked out. But guys treated me like I was a relative or something. Don't get me wrong--this was all very nice! I just wondered if there ever would be anyone for me. Finally, I asked my brother if he knew why no one asked me out. He said, "You're intimidating.

" I was shocked. ME? Intimidating? I thought that was the craziest thing I'd ever heard! I asked a close girl friend what David meant, and she told me that guys would never dream of treating me the way they treated other girls, because they knew I had standards I wouldn't let down. They knew I was waiting for the best. I couldn't believe it. I had never told anyone those things.

I'd talked with some of my girlfriends about my ideals, sure, but certainly not the guys! But they knew. My brother said it was just obvious. Guys felt protective of me. Some who didn't like me as well, called me the "Snow Queen," implying that I was just too cold to ever go out with anyone. Ouch! It was that year that I opened the letter I'd written to myself at age thirteen.

I laughed and laughed. What a child I had been, I thought. An impossible dreamer! Here is the list of qualities I had written: 1. He will be a Christian and desire to be the spiritual leader of our family. 2.

He will love God more than he loves me and will want to serve Him. 3. He will be at least two years younger than me [Dad is two and a half years younger than Mom.] 4. He will have a great sense of humor and love old movies.

5. He will want to raise as many children as the Lord chooses to bless us with. 6. He will want me to be a stay-at-home mom. 7.

He will play at least one musical instrument. 8. He will love history and reading and writing. 9. He will be nice looking.

..at least to me, if no one else thinks so. 10. He will love his family and mine.

11. He will like to eat broccoli. 12. He will sweep me off my feet, but only after he has won my family's approval. Broccoli? Had I been out of my mind when I wrote that list? I laughed until I cried.

I must've been crazy. There wasn't one guy on the planet who came anywhere close to fitting this list! No guys I knew wanted lots of kids. No guys I knew wanted their wife to stay at home--they all wanted two incomes, big houses and cars. No guys I knew played a musical instrument and loved history. I had made up an ideal man who would never exist.

So I folded the list back into the envelope and decided God probably hadn't taken it seriously either. Once I graduated from college, I decided I would never marry. It hadn't all happened the way I'd imagined four years before, so I told my parents I was sure God was calling me to be single. It didn't matter that I'd always wanted to be a wife and mother. I could serve in an orphanage in Africa and have lots of kids around me.

I could be a teacher. I could baby-sit for the rest of my life! But God knew me from the womb. He had planned my life before I had a life to call my own. He had everything ready, but He was waiting for the right time. So I began my full-time job and made new friends.

Well-meaning ladies in the church pitied my unmarried state and tried to match me up with "eligible" guys, but I resisted. I was determined to be content where God had me and not look for Mr. Right. I told my parents I had grown cynical at college. I thought all guys (except for ones I was related to) were jerks.

Secretly, I wanted to believe in that list I'd written, but I felt silly telling anyone that. I wanted to wait for the best, though it looked as though that was a fantasy. A year passed--one of the most wonderful years yet. God brought people into my life who were readying me for The One, though I didn't realize it at the time, of course. Everything that happened added on to what God had been doing throughout my life.

My interests in history and reading intensified. Although I'd always been fascinated by the Civil War, I became passionately interested in Southern history. Little did I know. God does have a sense of humor--and impeccable timing. I saw Matt Chancey's face and read his words before he ever knew who I was.

He had applied to work at my office as an intern to the legal and political staff. Part of my job involved reading through applications and setting up interviews with candidates for the program. Matt's application stayed on file for a long time, though, because he had missed the winter term's deadline by a month. (God's timing, I am certain, since He still had a lot to work out in me.) When the time rolled around for us to interview Matt, I pulled out his file and read through it again.

I noticed something I hadn't caught before. Matt was a Civil War reenactor and loved to study history and literature. He was also passionate about Southern history. He'd fit right in at our office, I thought, but that's as far ahead as my mind went. Matt arrived at our office on a blazing hot July day, fresh from battling the six-lane "beltway" around Washington, D.

C. I showed him to his housing quarters, told him who would be living with him, and returned to the office, promptly dropping him from my mind. Two weeks later, Matt and the other interns came to an open house I put on with my housemates. The first thing he noticed was the music I had playing. "You like Harry Connick, Jr.

?" he asked. [Harry plays 1940s "Big Band" music, long a favorite of mine.] I nodded and showed him all the CDs and tapes I had. "I love Harry's music!" he said. That was neat, but it didn't register on my Richter scale.

I introduced each of the guys to my dad, who had come over for the event. Matt and Dad hit it off immediately, talking about their shared interests in history and the Civil War. If I noticed, it didn't really start me thinking--until much later. I was busy being hostess to my guests. Three weeks passed.

Matt talked to me any time an opportunity presented itself. He and the other interns had a bunch of us over for a meal, and Matt and I ended up talking about history, literature, music, and old fashioned farm life (a favorite topic for both of us) for a couple of hours. Matt kept us all in stitches with his imitations of Jimmy Stewart, John Wayne, and other classic movie stars (he loved old movies). When he wasn't cracking jokes, he was playing tunes he wrote on his keyboard and singing. He was a neat guy.

That much I knew. What I didn't know was that Matt had been watching me closely from the first week he had arrived. Other people noticed, but I was blind. In August my parents invited all the interns out to the house for a weekend of old movies and canoeing on the Shenandoah River. Matt spent most of Friday night chatting with my parents.

Our group hit the river on Saturday, toting a picnic lunch. While everyone else began to paddle as fast as they could downstream, my friend, Kathy, and I kept a slow pace, enjoying the scenery along the way. Matt and his canoe partner stayed back with us, and we enjoyed a leisurely float down the river, getting out now and again to swim. Matt sang old songs, and Kathy and I joined in with our best movie-star voices. It was a blast.

But I still hadn't figured out that anything more was going on. In the meantime, Matt had called his parents to tell them he thought he'd met the woman God wanted him to marry! They told him to wait a while longer and continue to think and pray. When Matt's parents came up for a visit, I thought they were very sweet, but I had no idea they might be checking me out! By the time September came, I began riding my bike one evening a week after work on a nearby trail. When Matt saw my bike, he asked if he could join me. I told him I'd be delighted to have someone to chat with as I rode.

We had such a good time pedaling along the trail and talking about our favorite topics. Sometimes Matt would ask questions about my beliefs and world-view. Sometimes we'd just ride quietly. Sometimes Matt would sing like Harry Connick, Jr. I really enjoyed our friendship.

My parents loved Matt and were glad he had become a good friend. Secretly, people in the office were matchmaking us and winking at each other behind my back. Still I sailed along in oblivion. Continued in Courtship: A Love Story (Part 2)