Assertive Behavior

Assertive Behavior Some Christians have the mistaken idea that they are called to be completely nonresistant, passive and submissive when confronted by another person. I call this "doormat Christianity." It is true that we are called to avoid vengeance and to take insults without bitterness and retaliation (this is the meaning of Jesus' phrase "If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also"). But we are never told to ignore evil. The totality of Scripture shows that as Christians we are called: to resist evil (Proverbs 28:8) to expose evil (Ephesians 5:11) to rebuke sinners (Luke 17:3) to get in someone's face (Galatians 2:11) to speak the truth to one another in love (Ephesians 4:15).

Love demands more than passivity and resignation. Some times love must be tough (John 2:12-17; 1 Corinthians 4:20; 2 Corinthians 13:2; 2 Thessalonians 3:10). Generally speaking Christians should be neither passive nor aggressive. We are called to be assertive. Depending upon your personality you may tend toward one or the other extreme.

Golden Retriever personalities tend to be passive in their approach to others. Lion personalities tend to be aggressive. We must learn how to be more balanced than our personal tendencies. The following list summarizes the contrasts between a Biblically, healthy response and the unbiblical extremes: PASSIVE BEHAVIOR AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOR Self-denying. Self-enhancing at other's expense.

Self-enhancing Personal feelings suppressed/inhibited. Personal feelings expressed in negative/inappropriate fashion. Personal feelings expressed in positive/ appropriate fashion. Closed and dishonest. Open, partially honest, but inappropriate.

Open, honest, and appropriate. Message vague at best. Message lost in expression. Message clear & direct. You do not say/do what you would like (goal not accomplished).

You say/do what you would like at expense of others (goal accomplished at others' expense). You say/do what you would like in appropriate fashion (goal accomplished). Others choose for you. You choose for others. You choose for you.

You feel: angry at self, hurt, and/or resentful of others. You feel: powerful, smug, and/or guilty. You feel: good, confident, and respectful of yourself. Other person feels toward you: pity, disrespect, guilt, and/or anger. Other person feels toward you: defensive (anger, resentment, disrespect) hurt, humiliated, and/or blocked.

Other person feels toward you: respectful, appreciative, pleased and/or surprised. Relationship cannot improve because you have not shared. Relationship cannot improve because you have shared destructively. Relationship can improve because you have shared appropriately. Ineffective in positively changing the other person's behavior.

Ineffective in positively influencing the other's behavior. Very effective in influencing and/or modifying others' behavior. For some emails that we received on the same subject see: Am I beyond help? Where do you draw the line with a borrowing neighbor